


hard to love when your hearts been bruised in the past

by Laeana



Series: ℓove is a seduction game, [6]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Denial of Feelings, Falling In Love, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, It's Hard and Nobody Understands, Language of Flowers, Loneliness, M/M, flower shop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:41:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27605759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laeana/pseuds/Laeana
Summary: Giving up, always giving up on all those hopeless feelings. And this crush that seems to pass through everything he ever built until he starts to feel something ... is that even love?
Relationships: Valtteri Bottas/Daniil Kvyat
Series: ℓove is a seduction game, [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2002225
Comments: 4
Kudos: 4





	hard to love when your hearts been bruised in the past

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [this how it feels to feel nothing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22532695) by [Laeana](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laeana/pseuds/Laeana). 



> Daniil changes his mind and wants to fall in love.
> 
> (featuring : this is how it feels to feel nothing by phora)

Is it possible to have no emotion ? Is it possible to constantly feel detached from everything ? He didn't necessarily have answers, he would just say he lives like this.

He feels, of course he feels something. He's not empty, he's not at the point where nothing can make him laugh, smile, get angry, be sad. It's just that he takes a certain distance from it all.

It started in many ways. Perhaps the childhood that taught him not to take everything so seriously. Because when you love hard, when you get attached to everything and nothing, to everyone, you can get hurt so easily.

Life is hard, every human being is fragile. 

Sometimes a life hangs by a thread. A small thread so easy to cut. He is afraid of losing. Yet this is the principle. When we live, everything is ephemeral. 

He doesn't want to accept it and he doesn't want to remember.

Loss of loved ones, loss of friends, loss of his mother. Hang on to few things, to whatever he can to stop his fall. Never again let the tears cross the barrier of his eyelids.

Close to excess emotions. His mind caged and trapped in an unstoppable train of thought. Guardian of a cell where he locked himself. Deep down, far from the light.

He hurts Valtteri.

He's sorry, that's not his attention. He just forgot how to love, it's been so long. So, of course, he's staying with Pierre and it's not love because they're just supporting each other.

He wants to apologize, he wants to find the right words. Since when are they so hard to find ? Since when did he lose his ability to express himself as he would have liked ?

His lover cannot be found, he is not even at the florist, as he would have hoped. He's hoping for so much right now, he's not sure how long it's been since he cared about someone like that.

And Pierre ... Pierre is so right. It doesn't even sound like him. 

It almost drives him crazy not to see him anymore. Knowing above all that it was he who caused it. His heart wasn't ready for that.

He knows, he always knew it couldn't go on forever. That he couldn't always pretend he didn't feel a thing and wait for people to cope with it. He knew that one day that was going to change, one way or another.

A certain Finn did.

Daniil is looking for answers. From anyone. It embarrasses him because he needs them but doesn't know how to get them. He takes pleasure in his misery and tells himself that he can forget it, erase it once more, like everything else. Come back to how he was before, minimize his feelings.

— Dany ...

Pierre seems sorry for him, for once. Usually it's more of anger at his couldn’t-give-a-damn and he knows he deserves it. He doesn't know what he did to deserve such pity though.

That nickname ... he let Valtteri use it too. And it might sound different to his ears, he's not sure. There are a lot of things he would have liked to know. For example, how to fall in love.

— You say you don't know anything about love, but aren’t you in love with Valtteri ? 

— Love ? It's ridiculous, I ...

— But it hurts you to have hurt him ? 

This has the merit of silencing him. No matter how hard he does his best, he can feel it seething deep inside him. Feeling. He doesn't want to put a name on it.

— Your silence speaks for you, you know ? Listen ...

He rests his hand flat against his chest, feeling his vital organ pounding there so calmly. Every now and then he almost thought it wasn't beating anymore because he had felt so empty. So detached. So lonely.

— I have his address. Do what you want with it, I'll go back to Charles.

He grinds his teeth at the mention of the Monegasque. They both know it's not a good idea but it doesn't matter right ?

He's just inspired.

Never really too daring.

First feelings for too long.

He meets Valtteri's azure gaze as soon as he opens the door. The latter has an annoyed look that melts when he sees the bouquet he is holding in his arms. He takes a deep breath.

— That doesn't excuse everything, I know. But I wanted to apologize, Val, I ... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. I never thought. It's new for me to think of others, to think of you. I've waited so long, forgot how to recognize love.

— Hawthorn : prudent hope, Eglantine : budding love, Thlaspi : consolation, White tulip : forgiveness. 

— I ... yes ?

A certain silence falls and he feels nervous during it. The other student contemplates the flowers thoughtfully and waits for his sentence to fall.

— Flowers for a florist. 

A little irony and a slight smile took place on the lips of the boy facing him.

— Why are you here, Dany ? 

He always has so much trouble finding the words, the words, the words ... there is so much to express himself.

— You still have trouble answering, I see. 

— I would like to tell you that I love you. I don't know if this is how I feel. I find it hard to know my own feelings, how can I give you an answer ?

— And yet you chose these flowers.

He doesn't really know. An instinct maybe. What has always seemed so obvious to others and which seems so incomprehensible to him.

Valtteri puts a hand on the back of his neck to bring him closer and kisses him. The bouquet between them is bulky. The feeling is sweet. His heart capsizes, a tender feeling that intoxicates him. He gets lost in the blue irises which melts in his face. Loses himself almost to the point of not perceiving anything around him.

— Do you feel it ?

Their breaths are heavy. Damn, they're always standing on the doorstep, within sight of anyone.

— Your beating heart.

Daniil almost feels like he's going to come out of his chest. It is almost painful. The feeling of being alive.

— Wouldn't that be love ?

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote that while listening Yesterday Was Hard On All Of Us, trully inspiring. I wanted to give a kind of ... calm, yes, Daniil is pretty must stuck in his own feelings here. I think we all are at some points, wanting to protect yourself from suffering ...  
> I hope you liked this part.


End file.
